Sun 03 Jun 2007 01:01:58 PM UTC, comment #2:
Here are (some of?) the issues that I can spot in the opening screens, apart from the text not 'flowing' (is that the right word to use?). I've tried to correct them, but not being a native speaker myself, take the suggestions with a grain (or bucket) of salt.
If a better way to contribute is found, please copy these to that location - I may not be around to keep an eye on things.
First Screen:
south pole -> South Pole
where happy -> were happy
Second Screen
things began to change slowly -> things slowly began to change (not really an error.. but seems better to me)
first of they thought -> at first they thought
worlds climate -> global climate, omit worlds (climate is defined as the average weather in a particular place over a long period), or if you insist on using world: world's
with every year -> omit 'with'
worse and worse -> omit 'and worse' (over-dramatizing)
Third Screen:
melt away -> melt (again, not really an erorr AFAIK, just redundant)
tend -> tended, or rewrite sentence (inconsistent time)
Fourth Screen:
council of eldest -> council of elders (eldest being an adjective, elders a noun)
Fifth Screen:
And they picked -> They picked
goal -> destination (destination is a place, goal is more abstract)
also know has -> also known as
which where -> being
Sixth Screen:
ideally -> ideal, ideally suited
to train -> for training
there their -> their (grin)
will surly -> will surely, will definitely, are going to
Seventh Screen:
While you on the other side can practice there your ability to command guide the Pingus -> This also offers you a chance to practice your ability in commanding and guiding the Pingus.
You can can also get familiar there with -> It will also allow you to familiarize yourself with
since you will need them all for sure -> as you will definitely have need for each of them
Final screen:
take over the command -> take charge (You're not taking over, since earlier in the story it is implied that the player is one of the Pingus, and hence is already on good standing with the Pingus)
Note to the original author: I hope you take this the way it is intended: as a contribution to the project - not as a stab to your writing.
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